"I was just minding my own business when this guy jumped me and the next thing I know I've got a rage-on for the old red stuff. Aye, I'd become a vampire.

But that's not this story.

This story is about the ridiculous task I've been forced to do to keep my living family safe.

This story is about being the target of a Chosen One who can't be bothered to do the job.

This story is about Nosferatu - or Norrie, as I call him - demanding bubble baths in my flat."